Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Kabali Times News Flash: Manmohan Singh Gets An Award

File Photo of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in a Jovial Mood.

It has been reliably learnt by bribing sources, who refused to be identified for such meagre bribe amounts Kabali Reuters presented them with, that Manmohan singh was presented an award by the Narasimha Rao foundation. The foundation awards people who look constipated and never laugh for an incredible lengths of time. Manmohan Singh the latest recipient of the award apparently laughed last on June 2nd 1977 when he heard the Moraji Desai joke for the first time. Announcing the award at the Delhi Humorless Club, ex-award winner Mr. Sharad Pawar claimed to be a big fan of Manmohan's scowl and pointed out 2 defining moments - Mr. Singh did not laugh when Laloo broke the wind and attributed the noise to cell phone interference on the mike. The foundation also noted gravely that when Mayavati bent down to pick up some papers, Manmohan was among the few present who noticed the "I love Mulayam" tattooed on her posterior. He did not laugh.

Manmohan singh is elated after hearing about the award.

Manmohan poses with previous award winner Vajpayee.

Anbumani Ramadoss, Sowcar Janaki and cricketer Rohit Sharma were reportedly upset at not getting this award this year and threatened to smile in the next two years if they were continually ignored. Vajpaye made jaw-motions that indicated that he might say something. As per the last update, reporters were continuing their wait in front of him until early hours of today morning. They reported that the sound of his first words have not yet emanated. It has been reliable learnt that he may say his first word by the end of this month and may complete a full sentence this calendar year.

Note: Kabali times wishes to inform readers that people who have watched any Y.G. Mahendra drama will automatically become ineligible for this award as that gives them an unfair advantage.

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Kabali Times: World Bathroom Day

PTI Reports via Kabali Times
On the backdrop of a stylishly tuned song by T.R, Suresh Raina, Visu, Arundhati Roy, Akhtar, and Barkha Dutt called 'All Fart and No Shit' - CIBA Pharma and Hallmark announced that World Bathroom Day will be celebrated starting this year. The exact date will not be announced. You will know it when you get a forwarded mail or a greeting card with a photo of a commode, a banana and a tablet specially prepared by CIBA. This day is meant to honor and recognize people who have severe constipation problems. On this day such people will 'burst out' their 'bottled up' 'feelings'. Mr. Adaisal, CEO while addressing the media said that Pharma companies, also, want to get into the *.day fun and start xyz_days that are medically uplifting.
The mode of personal greeting that is encouraged by the sponsors involve people walking up to their relatives/friends/parents with a constipated face and the moment they get near them they have to give a very relieved smile that ends with a sigh. Brothers are encouraged to buy yellow color sarees for their sisters on this day. Actor Ramarajan has kindly agreed to be the icon for this day. People will open their bathroom doors to outsiders, who are looking for a few moments of Peace and quiet. 'Manase Nee Relax Please' Book by Swami Sukhabodhananda will be provided in every bathroom.
'Vaada Vaada Veliye Vaada' Tamil Song and Shammi Kapoors 'Aa Aah Aa Jaa' Hindi song are theme songs for this day. Ideas on other regional language songs are invited by Mr. Adaisal. Negotiations are in progress to rope in Off Spring's song 'Come out and Play'.

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Kabali Times:Call for Protest

The nation should rise and protest against Arundhati Roy for protesting too much. For the first time the country will join together and protest in order to stop someone from protesting. The people want to know - what is she protesting against this time? What about her last protest? According to the ACNeilson survey results published in Kabali Times 72% of the respondents say that she should be branded as a serial protester and jailed. 20% said that if she hasn't registered herself as a professional protester, whose services will be offered to anyone who desperately requires protesting, a'la Management Protester or Technology consultant protester, Kabali Times should patent the concept and file a law suit against her.
Kabali Times has also received classified information that - More than the BJP, thousands of software engineers who contributed to desibaba during late nineties and early 2000s are terribly upset with Chandramohan. They claim that he basically did amateur erotica and got a PhD for it. All the 'Hi I am from Punjab please mail me if you want experience sex' story writers have done awesome erotica that deserve a PhD not just from a lowly Maharaja Sayaji university but from the IITs and IISc of the world. The y2K software engineers of the bygone era will protest in front of the Lok Sabha, Krishna Ghaana Sabha, Lollu Sabha, Films Division, and BSNL demanding a PhD for each and every desibaba contributor.
Kabali Times

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Kabali Times: Chapell Woos Uthappa

An urgent call has been sent out by Greg Chappell to Trinidad & Tobago branch of extrabed.in . He needs a place to sleep. According to eyewitness reports Greg Chappell has been reluctant to go into his hotel room alone. He has been loitering around in the lounge and boring arbitrary people with his analysis on why Levrock's stomach is so big. Apparently he tried to entice Robin Uthappa into his hotel room by singing the seductive song that went "I am the sambar, and you are the uthappa. I will flip you backwards and pour all over you". "summa vaa" said Chappell to which Uthappa became red-faced and extremely shy, "ponga annen vekkama irukku". They were interupted by the chairman of Stupid Media Association of India, who politely asked Chappell the same question for the 7 Billion'th time. "Bat Why India Bad" - he asked with intelligent face, thinking he had altered the question sufficiently enough to make Chappell answer it differently. When the answer came back as "We didn't bat very well" the stupid Indian media men were upset and vowed to ask the same question in anagrams.

Eye witness reports also indicate that many Indian/Pakistani players, supporters and underworld match fixers have sent samplers to touch and feel Greg Chappell's neck. The coach has apparently been annoyed by people walking up with a measuring tape and measure the size of his neck. 3 undertakers have already been kept on reserve for any eventuality.

Back in India, Effigy Burners Association of India refused to apologize for burning Chadrababu Naidu's effigy instead of Venkatapathy Raju's effigy. They said that if they were literate and intelligent enough to know the difference they wouldn't be spending time burning effigies anyway. Apparently that was the reason why the court exonerated them for burning Venkatesh Prasadh instead of his effigy. Venkatesh Prasadh's skeleton was unavailable for comment.

Meanwhile, Shilpa Shetty took a pledge that she will continue to strive for India's racial progress. After curtsying to the Queen, she quickly took a flight to Trinidad to work on the morale of the Bermudan team. She immediately checked into Levrock's hotel room and promised to work on his fitness. According to her spokesman, she has promised that she would drain him of at least 200 pounds and get his legs in shape for the key game against Bangladesh. Dave Whatmore was last seen hosing in cold water into Levrock's room. Rakhee Swant also has thrown in her bit for India by joining the Bangaldesh support staff as the hot nanny for their 17/18 year olds.

Ganapathi Sastrigal, who conducted 267 homams, to ensure India's victory is missing in action. The 267 sets of bat ball and stumps he used were also missing. In an unrelated news Ganapathi Sports club opened in the outskirts of New York opposite to Singh sports.

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Hawaiian Experience - I: Ornithologists are Sex Starved?

Kabali Times News Flash:

(click picture to see a larger image)

An undercover Kabali Times reporter uncovers stunning new evidence about the psyche of ornithologists eclipsing James Cameron's documentary and Anna-Nicole Smith, who is in more ways than one (hint: two) connected to this news flash, story.

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Kabali Times: Introducing Athimber Day

Kabali Times formally announces a new 'celebration' day called World Athimber Day. This day will celebrate 'that special relationship' between a boy/girl and his/her Athimber. This day will be celebrated on May 21, the day in which the world's first Athimber was born.
Although this day seems to have severe casteist connotations, it is really an equally opportunity day. Anybody regardless of caste, creed, nationality, religion or sexual orientation can participate in this day. However, 'athimber' by virtue of being an 'Athimber' has to be a man. The only qualification required is that this man should be either an akka's (elder sister) husband or athai's (father's sister) husband. Any other husband is not allowed to participate in this function. Due to extreme demand and frequent misrepresentations, Athai & akka's ex-husbands are strictly not allowed to participate. Unless they have been remarried into a new athai/akka. This rule is non-negotiable.
On this day the boy or a girl who wishes to send his/her special love to their 'athimber' shall make 1 pot of rasam. The (incumbent) athimber shall prepare Coconut Thogaiyal in return. Landmark/Archie's card will release special 'Athimber day' cards for this day. The two parties can meet in pubs, clubs, Spencer's Plaza, coffee shops, muniyandi vilas, vel military and Woodlands drive-in to exchange these gifts. Requests for 'murai' ponnu/paiyan shall not be entertained. Giving Yellow veshti (dhoti) to Athimber means you need his advise on matrimonial matters, Red veshti indicates that you want some kai-vasam money. 'Pazhuppu' (dirty) veshti indicates that you need him to provide gaanja, cigarette and Vodka. Kabali Times cauught up with an Athimber on road with dirty dhoti, and this is what he had to say "we athimber's sell some serious dope maan! don't mess with us maaaan! (sniff) (sniff). rock on dude". Thirunavakarasu athimber, popularly known as 'arasu' athimber is the popular ruling party athimber, who initiated a motion for such a day in the Assembly. When contacted on phone on the controversial issue of 'men-only-for-athimber', he said "ek maar do tukda - ek athimber dho athai - dho athimber day - ha ha ha ha". As lalitha madam says in her surf advertisement 'samajdhari athimber'.
RMKV, Pothys, Nalli and Kumaran's have special designs for such veshtis. Different Koyembedu markets have special variety of coconuts for Athimbers. Reliance is stocking special coconut thogaiyal for Athimber's day. All Athimbers and children are flocking to koyembedu markets and cloth shops respectively.
P.S: Kabali Times would also like to announce the following release dates - Pachai Kili (Feb 16) - Paruthiveeran (feb 23).

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Interview: "I am funny" insists (begs) Why. Jee. Magendaran

Kabali Times caught up with yesteryear theater "actor" "comedian" Y.G.Mahendran for a tete-tete-te (er...) te.

Kabali Times: Hello Y.G! How are you doing?
YGM: I am doing. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ROTFL. That was a superb joke no. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
YGM: ha ha ha ha. Dont you think my joke was funny.
Kabali: ????
YGM: Well. I said, I am 'doing'. It was a joke. He he.. ha ha..
Kabali: I see that you have not changed a lot over the years. Don't you think you have a strong resemblance with Krish Srikkanth in terms of the clarity of your expression and delivery.
YGM: Thank you. It came naturally to me. I call it talent. ha ha ha ha. ha ha ha ha. did you see that joke talent. ha ha ha ha.
Kabali: Sir! Please it was not a compliment. At least have some basic level of intelligence to know when you are insulted. Thank you.
YGM: he he ... ha ha..
Kabali: We have a burning question, we'd like to ask you. Everybody in the country wants to know the answer to this.
YGM: So it is a matter of national importance.(laughs even more) Very good then ask.
Kabali: Before I ask this question. Can you answer a few background questions
YGM: I will answer backgound okay. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Kabali: ok...ay. sigh... How many movies have you acted?
YGM: Around 70 movies.
Kabali: How many stage shows have you done?
YGM: Around 20+
Kabali: How many TV dramas have you done?
YGM: around 3 or 4.
Kabali: Are you a comedy actor?
YGM: Why are you asking this. Weren't people rolling on the floor in laughter when I cracked those jokes at the beginning of the interview.
Kabali: Which people?
YGM: The thousands who are thronging to catch this interview live.
Kabali: Your mom is a retired principal. She has to love you out of compulsion. Even she wont watch it. The school principal may use this interview as a punishment for students. Seriously! Now I'll ask the burning question.
YGM: mmm...Go ahead.
Kabali: In the 70 movies, 20 dramas and 4 TV series, that you have participated as a "comedy" actor, can you tell us if you have cracked one, teeny weeny, single genuine joke that made at least one person even think of laughing.
YGM: What do you mean? My work has been enormously funny.
Kabali: Your work. Listen to me carefully. In all these 20 years, do people remember you for a single joke. Have you made anyone laugh at your joke instead of at you? Has anybody ever laughed, recalled or remembered a single joke that you have made in your entire career.
YGM: There are so many jokes. what do you mean? I was a successful comedy career.
Kabali: One joke please. Tell us that.
YGM: How about the one in Sakala-kala-vallavan.
Kabali: What joke?
YGM: The one where I wash the buffalo.
Kabali: Sigh... I couldnt distinguish you and the buffalo. I thought 2 of them were having sex. Dude! did you get those movie chances because you were related to Rajinikanth.
YGM: No.... my artistic intelligence and creativity got me those roles. In all speheres of life I have applied these attributes of mine.
Kabali: Is this the same crap you apply in your school when you unnecessarily intervene there.
YGM: Many students owe their success to me. Jai Hind.
Kabali: That ladies and gentlemen concludes the interview with India's most unfunny comedian. No one, I repeat no one has accomplished what YGM has done. He has managed 3 decades of comedy career that has not been marred by a single joke. Even Sidhu has spoken sense.. well actually not.. but you get the scale now. Not even by accident has he appeared funny. No mean achievement.

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Driving Mr.Johnson - The curious case of the Parking Problem

Note: An online extract of an opinion piece, by an Expert Columnist, that appeared in the middle page of Aug 22nd issue of Kabali Times.

"I just don't know how you walk around with those things" - Elaine in Seinfeld
Nettaiyan, when he was 14, comprehended thus. Mr.Johnson was not an easy vehicle to drive around. Finding the right parking spot was not just a chore but an art form. You see, growing up, for men like Nettaiyan, was never an easy affair. For the first 5-8 years his wardrobe choice was usually not made by a man but by women who could barely comprehend what Mr.Johnson was all about. Women did not own automobiles. They did not know what was it like to own one. On this topic Mr. Gendelffson, CEO of Johnson & Johnson remarked, "it is easy to play for a few hours with someone else's scooter but owning your own vehicle is a different proposition. And we understand that problem, which why we are here to help". But all they came up with is baby powder which really did not address the problem for Nettaiyan. Friends were helpful, but not logical. "Park on the left man", said Kuppan. "Always park on the left. Its discreet, safe and Mr. Johnson likes it that way". But Nettaiyan asked "why left?". Nettaiyan was confused by the lack of logic. Left and right are the same thing? But why did it make a difference? It worried him no end. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't get it off his mind.

When he was a small boy in diapers - he did not have to worry about the parking problem. oh! what wonderful times they were. He was a baby. Other people parked his vehicle. Plus babies don't care. When he grew up to the age where he suddenly woke up and realized he owned an automobile (which literally was mobile and automatic) he also realized that he had to park it daily. It would be embarrassing for a grown person to ask somebody to park vehicles for him. Parking it in the morning before he went to school, was his biggest problem. Its rush hour, you have to dress up fast and rush to school. Not an easy thing to work on left/right aesthetics. Initially he wouldn't care and just park wherever he pleased and left to school. But the mind is so freaking paranoid. He would think, Is it parked right? Is it discreet? What if Mr.Johnson wasn't parked like others and was jutting out on the road. Would he be ticketed? Are people secretly laughing at him? Was something abnormal about Mr.Johnson? Thoughts such as these would drive the poor boy mad.

It is common knowledge that discussing automobile issues is common among men. For many years that's all they talk about - cars bikes and Johnson. Oiling, covers, rain protection, shrinkage, garage. They would ask among themselves - Did you drive it to this garage? Is this parking lot better than that parking lot? Which car wash is better? Is parking in a parking lot in movie theaters safe? What about hotels, restaurants? The topics of discussion was endless. Although Nettaiyan intuitively understood why parking on the left was preferred, he could see there was no logical difference. Why would left be better than right? But whenever he tried the right hand side of the road, Mr.Johnson would be appalled by the right-side parking. It was like leaving Johnson naked. No protection. It seemed like the society was forcing him to park left. Over time when Nettaiyan stopped becoming tall and his shoes and dresses began to fit him perfectly, he did not have to worry about outgrowing his shirt size. It was not about size but style. He bought Gucci shirts and Armani suits. He was rich and constant. He never worried about Mr.Johnson again. Occasionally when Mr.Johnson slipped into auto gear, for reasons from massage to Salma Hayek, Nettaiyan would wonder "why is left better than right" now? He is 40 and he never had the time to pause and think what the answer might be?

- Kabali Times Copyright

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"KANK not a threat to Gillette" - Bachan Jr Furious.

Kabali Times, Mumbai Aug 14, 2006:

In what is a new twist to the concept of 'blade', Gillette, the makers of razors, have filed a case in Mumbai High court that the makers of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK) are conspiring to lock young men in theatres for an indeterminate period of time. Thereby denying them a chance to shave in a timely manner. Among the first batch people who had successfully watched KANK till the end, 53 people filled the Kabali Times survey. 41 people needed a shave when they came out of the movie. 17 of those were women. Vikram Jetmalani, representing counsel for Gillette, said in his submission to the court that Abhishek Bachan, conspired with movie producers to achieve this end. Gillete claims that Abhishek has draconian plans to make everybody to grow a beard like him. The PIL said that "The movie has been kept deliberately long, to keep youngsters as hostages in theaters for eternity. As a result they have not come out to shave and Gillette has seen 73% drop in revenues after KANK released" . Gillette CEO while talking to the press said "we respect people like Mahesh Bhatt and Subash Ghai. They are man enough to compete with us directly by making blades of their own. We are appalled by this underhanded effort of hijacking the shaving community in theaters for years. Shame! Shame!"

When contacted, Bachan Jr, who was hoisting I-Day flag in Thane Beard Club and distributing chocolates to young bearded men to annul his manglik dosha, became furious and denied the allegation. "What does Vikram Jetmalani know? Having a beard is style, it is Gillette who are against beards. I am just showing people the South Indian way of life. Beards rock - it got me into the sack with Aishu".

Meanwhile several parents in Pune, Maharashtra have started complaining to police that their children have not yet returned after setting out to watch KANK. Jalaja, resident of Parihar Chowk, complained to Kabali Times that the police were not taking prompt action. " my son went last Sunday to watch this movie, he has not yet returned", said Jalaja in tears. When the Aundh police station was contacted, it was confirmed that the SP Ghokle, who had gone to see the preview show 13 days ago, had not yet returned. The Governor S.M.Krishna returned half-way through the movie complaining of severe dehydration. His 5-year term had expired when he was in the preview theater and the government clarified that they had no severe impact as a result of the Governor being absent for almost half his term. Chief Minister Deshmukh did not see KANK as a result if his son not being part of the movie. "My son can cry too", complained Deshmukh, "Sharukh Khan is limp and Abhishek is inadequate. My son could have done both roles. He is a natural". The US Consul general denied reports that the American government was considering KANK as a replacement for capital punishment. "We don't want Human rights organization to get alarmed at such sort of news" clarified Robert Clive, the Consul General.

Meanwhile, men support groups have been launched all over India as men begin to cling to each other in an effort to seek encouragement. The idea is to thwart female members of their family from hijacking them to KANK. [Warning: Kabali Times would like to warn audience that the following news items may contain violence, shock and is potentially dangerous to husbands with heart problems]. The level of threats by women folk has increased to shocking levels and the men are barely surviving the brutal nagging. "My wife has refused to have sex with me for last 8 days. Just because I refused to take her to KANK" said Mr. Shukla speaking over the phone from Hyderabad. "I am newly married and the longest we have gone without sex is 4 days. But I cannot go to KANK, I simply don't have that much vacation left and... my beard grows really fast... I need a shave every day....sob..sob..I love my shave...I like sex too...waaaaahhh!", he sobbed uncontrollably. These sort of threats has caused unbelievable panic across the country. Men from all over the country are taking confidence from each other to somehow survive the threat of sex, blackmail and nagging and are praying Sidhi Vinayak temples for the KANK threat to pass quickly. Mumbai, known for its famous spirit, Johnny Walker, showed extra-ordinary resilience, when a group of well-meaning neighbors kidnapped Mr. Lakshmanan Balachandran from being dragged into the theater by his wife Kulamageswari Palaniappan. One of the neighbors said " Ms Kulamagal dragged Lakshmanan on the basis of her knowledge of Hindi learned as second language in Madurai. Who was she kidding? Mr.Lakshmanan has no knowledge of Hindi. What will he do for so many years inside the theater? He pleaded to her and then to us. He was on his knees begging for 3 days. We took pity on him and framed him for the bomb blasts. I used my connections with the police to do this. Now he is happily spending time in Jail. Lucky Soul"

In an unrelated incident, Karan Johar could not 'cut' and 'paste' things on his computer because he has a handicap. He cannot see the words 'e d I t'. He reportedly could not answer the fill in the blanks question of "the person who edits is called the ------" in his Pune Film institute final exams. A Kabali times reporter is spending the last 6 months undercover inside Mumbai's Metro theater waiting for title credits to get over and report to us if the movie ever had an editor in the first place. From reports received from inside the theater, we can reliably confirm that they are providing bed pans, filter coffee, pension, gratuity, and 6 month bonuses for the audience watching the movie. Special in-theater coaching classes have been provided for young Ajay who missed 7th and 8th standard while he was in the theater. I.D cards are being issued inside the theater so that the kith and kin of movie watchers are able to recognize themovie goers after so many years of change.

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