Tuesday, September 30, 2008

"KANK not a threat to Gillette" - Bachan Jr Furious.

Kabali Times, Mumbai Aug 14, 2006:

In what is a new twist to the concept of 'blade', Gillette, the makers of razors, have filed a case in Mumbai High court that the makers of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK) are conspiring to lock young men in theatres for an indeterminate period of time. Thereby denying them a chance to shave in a timely manner. Among the first batch people who had successfully watched KANK till the end, 53 people filled the Kabali Times survey. 41 people needed a shave when they came out of the movie. 17 of those were women. Vikram Jetmalani, representing counsel for Gillette, said in his submission to the court that Abhishek Bachan, conspired with movie producers to achieve this end. Gillete claims that Abhishek has draconian plans to make everybody to grow a beard like him. The PIL said that "The movie has been kept deliberately long, to keep youngsters as hostages in theaters for eternity. As a result they have not come out to shave and Gillette has seen 73% drop in revenues after KANK released" . Gillette CEO while talking to the press said "we respect people like Mahesh Bhatt and Subash Ghai. They are man enough to compete with us directly by making blades of their own. We are appalled by this underhanded effort of hijacking the shaving community in theaters for years. Shame! Shame!"

When contacted, Bachan Jr, who was hoisting I-Day flag in Thane Beard Club and distributing chocolates to young bearded men to annul his manglik dosha, became furious and denied the allegation. "What does Vikram Jetmalani know? Having a beard is style, it is Gillette who are against beards. I am just showing people the South Indian way of life. Beards rock - it got me into the sack with Aishu".

Meanwhile several parents in Pune, Maharashtra have started complaining to police that their children have not yet returned after setting out to watch KANK. Jalaja, resident of Parihar Chowk, complained to Kabali Times that the police were not taking prompt action. " my son went last Sunday to watch this movie, he has not yet returned", said Jalaja in tears. When the Aundh police station was contacted, it was confirmed that the SP Ghokle, who had gone to see the preview show 13 days ago, had not yet returned. The Governor S.M.Krishna returned half-way through the movie complaining of severe dehydration. His 5-year term had expired when he was in the preview theater and the government clarified that they had no severe impact as a result of the Governor being absent for almost half his term. Chief Minister Deshmukh did not see KANK as a result if his son not being part of the movie. "My son can cry too", complained Deshmukh, "Sharukh Khan is limp and Abhishek is inadequate. My son could have done both roles. He is a natural". The US Consul general denied reports that the American government was considering KANK as a replacement for capital punishment. "We don't want Human rights organization to get alarmed at such sort of news" clarified Robert Clive, the Consul General.

Meanwhile, men support groups have been launched all over India as men begin to cling to each other in an effort to seek encouragement. The idea is to thwart female members of their family from hijacking them to KANK. [Warning: Kabali Times would like to warn audience that the following news items may contain violence, shock and is potentially dangerous to husbands with heart problems]. The level of threats by women folk has increased to shocking levels and the men are barely surviving the brutal nagging. "My wife has refused to have sex with me for last 8 days. Just because I refused to take her to KANK" said Mr. Shukla speaking over the phone from Hyderabad. "I am newly married and the longest we have gone without sex is 4 days. But I cannot go to KANK, I simply don't have that much vacation left and... my beard grows really fast... I need a shave every day....sob..sob..I love my shave...I like sex too...waaaaahhh!", he sobbed uncontrollably. These sort of threats has caused unbelievable panic across the country. Men from all over the country are taking confidence from each other to somehow survive the threat of sex, blackmail and nagging and are praying Sidhi Vinayak temples for the KANK threat to pass quickly. Mumbai, known for its famous spirit, Johnny Walker, showed extra-ordinary resilience, when a group of well-meaning neighbors kidnapped Mr. Lakshmanan Balachandran from being dragged into the theater by his wife Kulamageswari Palaniappan. One of the neighbors said " Ms Kulamagal dragged Lakshmanan on the basis of her knowledge of Hindi learned as second language in Madurai. Who was she kidding? Mr.Lakshmanan has no knowledge of Hindi. What will he do for so many years inside the theater? He pleaded to her and then to us. He was on his knees begging for 3 days. We took pity on him and framed him for the bomb blasts. I used my connections with the police to do this. Now he is happily spending time in Jail. Lucky Soul"

In an unrelated incident, Karan Johar could not 'cut' and 'paste' things on his computer because he has a handicap. He cannot see the words 'e d I t'. He reportedly could not answer the fill in the blanks question of "the person who edits is called the ------" in his Pune Film institute final exams. A Kabali times reporter is spending the last 6 months undercover inside Mumbai's Metro theater waiting for title credits to get over and report to us if the movie ever had an editor in the first place. From reports received from inside the theater, we can reliably confirm that they are providing bed pans, filter coffee, pension, gratuity, and 6 month bonuses for the audience watching the movie. Special in-theater coaching classes have been provided for young Ajay who missed 7th and 8th standard while he was in the theater. I.D cards are being issued inside the theater so that the kith and kin of movie watchers are able to recognize themovie goers after so many years of change.

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