Friday, July 21, 2006

Kabali Times News Flash: Illitrate Home Minister Blocks House Addresses

Kabali Times Special Correspondent(s) Chennai, Mumbai, Delhi, July 19 2006:

Home Minister of Government of India received a note from RAW stating that certain Small Intenstine Manipulating Individuals (SIMI), were using Internet 'addresses' to communicate among themselves. The RAW apparently were dissapointed to find that their agents constantly developed bowel movement problems after eating in the military canteen and wanted to communicate this to the minister. The Home Minister, who in school had never passed into a standard, where Social Studies actually diversified into Geography and History (but has a honorary PhD doctorate to cheat all his 23 grandchildren), assumed that the 'Internet' was a 'Madrasi' town near Vijayawada and sent a GOI notification that banned several addresses. This would prevent people from actually walking into/visiting several home addresses. Press agencies say that major colonies and suburban places have also been blocked off. All service providers were intimated of the government block notice. As a result in many places in Mumbai and Chennai - autos, trains and buses refused to travel to certain parts of the city. Our 2 special correspondents report from Chennai and Mumbai in that order.

Mr. Pitchai Appan resident of Coimbatore, while talking to Kabali Times reporter said, "I got down in Central Station, Chennai and asked the Auto Driver to take me to Anna Nagar". "No sawari saar. We dont know what Anna Nagar is" was the shocking answer given by the auto driver. The pre-paid auto stand's brochure curiously displayed a "Page Not Found 404 Error" in the place of W.Mambalam, Thiruvottiyoor and Anna Nagar. Poes Garden, residence of former Chief Minister J.Jayalalitha, although not in the original list was deliberately blocked out by the local DMK government. Subsequently, the auto drivers upon confirming that Pitchai Appan's Tamizh was pure and unadultrated assumed he was a village bumpkin. When Mr. Pitchai asked them to name the place nearest to Anna Nagar, 3 drivers shouted "R.A.Puram, Mahabalipuram, Trichy". Finally one driver agreed to drive Mr. Pitchai till MMDA Colony but charged him Rs. 4 Lacs. The train porter had already charged M.r Pitchai 2 lacs. While this in itself did not shock Pitchai, he fainted when the auto driver casually told him that he was only charging Rs. 10 more than the meter rate and that was only because this was his first boni. When the Police rushed to the spot to investigate possible fraud, several auto drivers claimed that they did not know what a 'meter' was. Surprisingly the sessions Judge, Mr.Pazhanichaami, upheld this claim.

In another shocking development, postal mails were not being delivered to some places in Mumbai. Residents of Powai, Mumbai were heart broken when the postman continued riding his 70 year old cycle without stopping to deliver Powai's share of junk mail and the notices for Rs. 70,000000 pre-selected winners from an unknown company in Mexico. Suburban Trains in Mumbai refused to stop in Bandra and carried on to the next station. The same was the case with South bound suburban trains in Chennai, which refused to stop in W.Mambalam and Guindy. The station, the pan stains and waiting passengers appeared as "Page Not FOund 404 Error" to the Engine Driver. Mr. Abhay Tiwari resident of Bandra, PH: 9840366702, speaking on condition of anonymity (err.. well... moving on) said that he suddenly could not remember his neighbor or his neighbor's address. A huge "404 Page Not Found" hoarding was found in the place of the house. Residents of the house apparently could see the outside from inside but could not see themselves???!!. In what was a true exhibition of Mumbai spirit, rains continued to pour the next day, residents urinated on the road-side happily signifying the abundance of true Indian spirit, drunken husbands beat up their wives, people talked to 404 Page not Found boards, birds chirped and the local traffic constable near W.Wadala signal continued to accept Rs 10 bribe for No Entry violations. Meanwhile several Chennai residents developed mental problems and a few died of heart attacks in R.A Puram, when outbound filter coffee and 'The Hindu' news paper were not delivered from W. Mambalam. Inspite of all this the Mumbai-Dabbawalas continued to meet their Six Sigma standards.

The extreme commotion has caused many residents to come out and protest against the Home Minister. In a 700 odd group that had gathered. People were shouting slogans against the Home Minister. 7 Residents, from the state of W.Bengal were found shouting slogans against Greg Chappell. They quickly dispersed when they did not see a finger coming out of the Home Minister's dressing room. Kabali Times reporters see this as a devloping story and would like to manipulate the public by focussing on 6th standard student Bhargav Bansal, who has not returned from school to his house for 3 days because his house address was blocked. Kabali times will totally try to exploit, for commercial gain, the pitiable scene where his parents can see him but he cannot see his house or parents, until they shift to a new address.

Kabali Times reporter Sardeep Rajdesai contacted the home minister and asked in his own stupid overly arrogant way, as to why people could not even go to their own houses. The home minister's reply was littered with pauses-to-think for 7 hours between every two words. He was aware that Vajpayee held the record for the longest pause between two words and wanted to break the record. And it was already the 2nd anniversary of address blockage by the time he completed his sentence, "Wo madrasi tawun, vijaywada ke paas... Internet... usme terrorist problem hai. Isiliye sab address ko bandh kiya". When our reporter Ms Darka Butt (No relation to Salman's Butt, one of Pakistan's 6572 openening batsmen) interjected, talked for 20 minutes on an unrelated topics, thereby exposing her ignorance on most issues under the sun, and asked (to further expose her ignorance of Indian geography) "but Vijaywada is in Karnataka region? Why block addresses in Chennai & Mumbai?" The minister got angry and said before leaving in a huff "India is a secular country why do you media people mix music and religion" confirming to his partymen that he did not know what 'region' or 'Karnataka' was.

Boy Mistakes Menstruation for Mensuration: Panic in Vadodara

Kabali Times, Vadodara, Gujarat, July 13th:

A boy caused wide spread panic and commotion in southern parts of Vadodara city due to an inability to differentiate between menstruation, the female monthly period of menses discharge, and mensuration, a mathematical subject on measurement of geometric quantities.

Arjun Singhal, 17 year old resident of Vadodara, son of an owner of 2 BMWs, student in M.S University hit the headlines like never before. Arjun was sitting with his girlfriend Sarika Patel, 15 years old, in a cozy corner of Kamati Bagh. As he cooed up to her in a sexy way and asked her if they could break the IPC together. Sarika replied "No Arjun! I have my menstruation period. It is not possible now". Press reports and reports from other mannerless, eavesdropping onlookers told us that Sarika almost fainted in bewilderment when Arjun replied "Yes! I can totally understand. Menstruation is extremely difficult for me too. I suffered for two years because of it. I could not pass 9th standard because of it"

Residents, near IPCL Refinery, reported a terrified Sarika running away from Arjun shouting "you cheat! you rascal". This caused a commotion and the PTI agencies were alerted of this sudden development. Press reporters rushed towards Arjun, who was having a Vada Pav, in Motilal Snake Center. After polishing his 24 carat 6 Kg gold chain, spitting out the remanants of Pan Parag, and paying the shopkeeper in kesh, Arjun Singhal confronted the press.

"You know it is true", he said with indignation. " Menstruation comes in 9th std right? I could never pass menstruation. My brother passed it, my uncle passed it, even my father passed. No matter how hard I tried, I always couldn't pass. It is difficult you know. Even my girlfriends in 9th standard were passing menstruation, but I couldn't. It became a status problem and social stigma for me. I have been pregnant with self-esteem problems since then"

The Police, who were informed of this incident, came 3 hours later than usual. 'The usual' - was a delay of 24 hours. DSP Niral Jindal confirmed to waiting mediamen that Arjun Singhal would be provided appropriate medical care. Famous cricketer and Baroda player, Parthiv Patel went on strike upon hearing this news. He vowed never to play for India again and resign from the post of the baby-faced cricketer. Human Rights association demanded equal rights for Arjun and were seen protesting, curiously in front of Gujarat Animal Husbandry Department. They were also found to be shouting slogans against President. George Bush. When contacted, Suman, the leader of the small group, mentioned that enough time had not been given for his group to practice slogans against this new situation and so they went ahead and protested with their old slogans. "I was told that it is a violation of human rights to force uneducated paid-by-the-hour human right workers to learn new slogans overnight. I had to take the logic at face value", he announced regrettably to the 2 Kabali Times press reporters gathered around him.

Finally, Lalitha Madam, Surf Detergent Advertisement Model & English teacher, Sardar Vallabhai Patel School, put the situation at rest by showing Arjun Singhal's 9th standard report card. It showed that he had scored the lowest in English - 9/100. This cleared all doubts about the apparent Mensuration and Menstruation issue. It became clear that Arjun Singh could never read English properly and always assumed both as the same thing. Arjun was last seem pleading to mediapersons that he was indeed weak in menstruation. Meanwhile unconfirmed reports from (un)reliable sources told this pressperson that his mother, Sarita Behn (Behn not a surname), has not yet returned after leaving home to search for her son in the non-existent men's ration shop. This is seen as a developing situation in CNN

Kiran More was unavailable for comment

Reuter, Kabali Times.